#28 – Receiving Without Guilt

What do you do when good things come your way? Can you receive them? This episode explores the topic of learning to receive (without guilt). We challenge belief systems that create roadblocks to receiving, discuss ways to expand our sense of worthiness, and share tips to create a support system that allows you to expand your receiving 'container' and step more fully into the life you're longing for. 

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Transcript

Reawakening Dreams and Desires

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Road Back Podcast. We're so glad you're here. I'm Melissa and I'm Desiree. We're two trauma-informed coaches and real life friends.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

If you're returning to yourself, your dreams, or your sense of belovedness, this podcast is for you.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

We'll pull from our own stories and hard-earned wisdom to support your journey. So take a breath and remember, you belong exactly as you are.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

One of the things we talk about a lot on this podcast is reawakening to desires and creating permission slips for ourselves to go after the longings and the dreams in our heart. What do you do when the doors start to open, the opportunities present themselves, and your dreams start showing up? How do you receive and how do you learn to receive well? Because if you go on this journey of the road back to yourself, what will inevitably happen is divine appointments, synchronicities, you could say, will show up in your life when we start giving our hearts a voice. What will happen is there'll be that internal alignment and inevitably external things begin to line up that further our dreams and our desires. If they show up and we haven't learned how to receive well, then sometimes we can actually sabotage our own success. So today, our episode is all about receiving without guilt, expanding our inner container of our sense of worthiness and our ability to take the opportunities as they come and not shoot ourselves in the foot because it is a really important part of the process.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Absolutely. I mean, if you think about the journey moving to self-connection, just to sort of understand that your desire isn't bad and to name it that way, and then to give yourself the permission to go on that journey. What you do with what you're getting is just as important as naming the thing that you want to do. How do you actually walk out the thing that your heart's been set on doing? I love this conversation because this is where we hit up against a lot of um

The Art of Receiving Opportunities

SPEAKER_00 2:15

subconscious beliefs that we've had that's kept us to the point we've been to. Bumping up against them makes a lot of sense when you actually start moving and growing and breaking out of that status quo. Totally.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

And we've talked a lot about getting in touch with what it is that we want. But sometimes we can get so caught up in the dreaming for the future that we can be surprised when that future shows up on our doorstep.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Yeah. And it usually feels a certain way that we're like, oh, is this how this is? And so I think supporting ourselves just to get into touch with that and why that makes so much sense feels helpful.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Yeah, and we're gonna break today's episode into a couple of different parts. We're gonna talk about some of the roadblocks that we might trip over in receiving, because if you're not used to receiving, and that could be anything from receiving compliments to receiving money, if you're not used to it, it can actually feel very uncomfortable. And there could be a number of reasons for why that is. And so we're gonna talk a little bit about those, and then we're gonna talk about some really practical steps to help expand your receiving container, so to speak. I like thinking of things in terms of energy sometimes. And you can get into the energy of going after goals, but then the energy of actually learning to receive those goals and enjoy them when they come because of your hard work is a thing. And so we want to give you the practical as well as the thoughts and beliefs behind it. We want you to be able to walk away with some like some things you can implement right away when those opportunities come along and actually being able to run with them rather than shut them down.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

What would you say, Mal, would be one of the number one roadblocks in actually receiving.

Overcoming Roadblocks to Receiving

SPEAKER_01 3:57

Well, we we reach a lot of faith-based people. We come from a faith-based background ourselves. I would have said there's been a lot of church messaging that I grew up with about make sure you give God all the glory. You don't want to take any of God's glory for yourself. And so I have been guilty of this, and I've heard many, many other people use language like that. So you you work hard on something. Maybe you, you know, you run an event or you study really hard to, you know, share a message, or you lead some music or play something on the piano or whatever it could be. And somebody comes up and compliments you at the end, and you're like, oh, no, no, no, it wasn't me, it was God. Totally. I'm only laughing because I've we've I've done this.

unknown 4:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Very sincerely and very well-meaning. And I know part of the reason I did that is because I was very afraid of being accidentally prideful. I did not want to have any pride. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Pride was sinful. And we were taught that to receive some type of compliment would be to feed that pride. I I was definitely taught that. Like somehow those were connected.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

If something good happens, it's all God, it's not me. If I take any credit, that's pride. And then to deflect any sort of credit, that was humble. That was humility. I'm nothing. God is everything was this mark of a good Christian, a humble Christian. And because I wanted to be humble and good and not err into pride or sinfulness, then I learned to deflect and immediately put it all on to God. And like I said, coming from sincere motives, but also what it did was it constantly devalued any work that I had put in. It devalued any of the efforts, it devalued the gifts that God had given me. Right. And while it was well-meaning, I actually think it was very misplaced. What would you add to that, Des?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Yeah, I think just thinking about false humility. I think in general, humility is often there's a like an emphasis on under-evaluating self. Like I'm nothing in God's everything, and that equals humility. Well, God is everything, but you're definitely not nothing. And so I would just challenge that. A big part of my my growth and my and my roadback journey is um is actually true humility is seeing myself rightly. Yes. In the right size. Yes. So my right size, I'm always allowed to see Papa God in the right size. That's really important. And to see myself is also of is true humility. It's not to degrade myself. That's not true humility. No. We talk about this often because we're we're both parents, but in a healthy parenting dynamic, what does it do for me if my child hates themselves or how they flow and what makes them come alive? I'm like, that actually would break my heart. If my kids believe

What Would A Good Parent Do?

SPEAKER_00 6:48

certain things about themselves, it literally affects my soul. It makes me want to cry. And like, this is 100%. And so even as you challenge why this feels so hard to receive, just thinking of what would a good parent believe? How would they actually feel? It brings me more joy because it doesn't take from some sense of me, which is what we're saying when it comes to these religious dynamics. I I totally want God to get glory. But also me receiving a compliment or receiving some sense of accomplishment or feeling pride or joy or or satisfaction doesn't take anything, yeah, from God. Because he is his own, he has his own agency that's separate than mine. And I think re-establishing that has been a very supportive way for me to receive more and more.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I think what you're saying in in essence is we're not in competition with God. Back to the scarcity versus abundance mindset is God is abundant. There's always more with him. And you receiving a compliment for something that you've done well in no way diminishes, it's not an either-or situation. You're not diminishing him by receiving a compliment. One of the ways you could even reframe this is that me doing well actually reflects well on him as the creator. I'm created in his image. When I shine, it doesn't diminish his glory. It actually adds to it. And it doesn't, um it doesn't serve him or me to diminish who I am out of, like we've said, some false sense of humility. That has been an ongoing process for me over the years because I was so afraid for so long of not giving God glory where glory was due, uh, that it it really has gone hand in hand with me healing in multiple areas of my life.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

I was even thinking of reflecting on how this has been a journey for me. And at the beginning, what felt challenging for me to push push these old rules or subconscious beliefs about, you know, me taking from God or like having a smaller sense of self. But to me, I'm just now I'm just like, that's so absurd. This has been a process for me because I think where I'm at now in my growth to try to receive, filling out that agency between the both of us, would I receive a compliment? What's that like for me to sort of see myself in it and God? This is a co-creative experience. You know, if I get a feedback from someone, I can feel that I've grown in my ability to really feel that out.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah, I love that. And we're using compliments as a really simple example. You could, you could pull this into anything, but compliments is something I think everybody can resonate with because most people feel something when they get a compliment. And some people are great at it, but I would say good

Is My Desire to Serve Affecting My Ability to Receive?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

majority of people have struggled at times to really let compliments in, maybe to really let support in. I mean, that's that's something else that can often flow into a place of receiving, is when you're used to being the giver or the server or the person who helps or fixes. It can be vulnerable to go into a place of receiving if you have grown up with any sort of internal story that says that it could be linked with neediness or um needing something from somebody else, it can make you shut down. If you associate receiving with anything negative, like we're the family that helps everybody. I'm the person who helps. I don't need help. And that can come from, again, sincere motives. But if I struggle to receive help, then there's a good chance I'm gonna struggle to receive compliments. I'm gonna struggle to receive money. I might struggle to receive praise, I might struggle to receive love. I notice that people who are good receivers are often really good at knowing how to ask for help and to receive help when it comes. So if I'm struggling to receive in any area, there's a good chance that's going to be mirrored in other areas of my life as well.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Girl, I'm so glad you said that because this is very true. Often people in ministry, because they've wrapped a certain sense of value and worth to not having any needs, this is one of the biggest deterrents. And oftentimes we struggle the most to receive, to feel safe to receive. I can't have this many needs. I can't have people meeting these needs. I can't have this much attention on me. I think that even if you find yourself in any part of that spectrum, yeah. It's really good to we're all growing there.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

I I don't know anybody who receives perfectly. So me neither. So we're all in that. And that's the beauty of it. It's a continuum. I feel confident in saying this. I'm I'm pretty good at receiving compliments now. I would say I can generally let a compliment land. And I am growing in other things. I am still growing in how much money I can receive. I'm still growing in how much sometimes support I can receive. Because I am one of those people who has drawn a lot of identity out of being the server, the helper. I help you. You know, that makes me feel good about myself. I'm low maintenance. I'm low maintenance. It's fine for me to help everybody else. Is it okay for me to receive and return? I think receiving is a beautiful mirror, mirror for us. Absolutely. It shows me the areas of growth and it shows, it shows me where I've grown really well, and it shows me areas where I'm still needing to grow. Yeah. We're definitely on this continuum.

Growing in Worthiness

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Let's talk about the link between receiving and worthiness because I think it is an incredibly important component. We've talked about the link of worthiness in general.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Yeah, I think this cannot be overstated how important and how closely they go together. Because in my own story, this was the biggest roadblock I had. I just didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think I deserved it. And I think that this is a really important thing for you to spend time and be curious about. Because if you don't think you're worthy, you're not going to persevere. You're going to disqualify yourself right away. I was the fastest disqualifier I knew because I fundamentally didn't have a belief. But when I switch that, when I believed all humans have the right to feel joy in their life, feel peace in their life, feel like they have a purpose and feel like they're moving in a direction that brings them joy. And when I could really connect to that and it felt safe to be like, I actually really do believe this. And I I can start to believe it for myself a little bit more, that transformed. I almost want to say like this, with the level of where you can create space for your own self-worth is the container that you will be able to hold the acknowledgement, the joy, the satisfaction of doing that thing, which because I believe the journey is a reward, it's the whole point. In the end, sure, my dream was important, but it's really my heart feeling loved and supported every step of the way that's healing me, that's the road back for me. So I think it's such a key thing.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

I think you're highlighting a really good point because, and it's one of the reasons I think you and I will always be singing from the mountaintops, going on the journey of reconnecting, healing your trauma, healing those things, because we can get into the pursuit of dreams. But you even just said the journey is such an important part of the process. I've heard people say this before: you you will never be able to receive something that you don't feel worthy of. And I think that's why it's so important that you valuing yourself, because we can pursue dreams for different reasons. We can pursue dreams to prove something to and sometimes I'm not saying it's wrong to prove something to yourself, like, oh, could I run a marathon? Oh, do I have the stamina? I think there's value in kind of going, oh, I'm gonna set a goal for myself. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm gonna try. There's that kind of thing. There's also the thing that comes from those places of brokenness in us where we're trying to prove ourselves to somebody else. I didn't feel valued by this teacher, my parent, my grandmother, whatever it was. And so now I'm gonna go out and try to prove this to them in order to try to feel better about myself. And that's where I think sometimes we can get on that hamster wheel of just constantly pursuing, pursuing, pursuing. And then even when we do receive or kind of get quote quote the reward at the other end, it doesn't necessarily feel fulfilling. And we're not about just checking boxes for the sake of checking boxes. Part of the journey of learning to be loved and expanding our capacity, you know, you were mentioning about feeling safe. Sometimes it's hard for us to say feel safe because we resist receiving because we don't feel safe being valued. You and I and every human being has inherent value simply for the fact that they are a child of God. They are created in the image of God. If I feel a sense of healthy value, then, you know, it the it will correlate with a sense of worthiness. And so you, you talking about growing, you know, that value and embracing the journey, I think is just such an incredible part because receiving can feel empty if it's devoid of the sense of value and worth.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

Right. On the other hand. Right. Which is why sometimes you'll get a compliment. You'll get something that feels like like the words are really nice. Yes, but they don't land. They don't actually impact us. It's because we don't actually believe them. Yes. We don't believe those things about ourselves. So that inherent worth is where it gives the substance for compliments for truth to sort of land. If anyone's ever had that, and I felt like that, but I felt such a void because I had such a low sense of self-worth that I was.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

And it flows into your money too, or or the relationships you're willing to put up with. Oh, I mean, that's its whole episode right there in itself. What friendships or relationships or you see disdysfunctional dating cycles or even abusive cycles in people's lives because they don't feel worthy of receiving more.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

I I see this in people who are dating. Because they maybe have a cognitive like desire of I want to date a good guy, but they don't believe it that they are worth that. So they have mixed signaling signalings, like it's mixed beliefs. And this is this is why understanding and really going after a sense of unworthiness helps bring alignment. It helps brings the alignment to what I want and what I believe I'm worthy of. And when those things match up, ding, ding, ding, like it's like that's the good stuff right there. Yeah. And that's kind of what we mean like, how do you practically receive something? You really have to lean into that worth part.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Yeah. And I think that's a great segue. Let's talk about some of the ways that we have learned to expand our receiving containers that I'm you and I still implement on a regular basis. Tools and tips that the listener

Expanding Our Receiving Containers

SPEAKER_01 18:01

can take away if you recognize in your own life, wow, I'd like to learn how to receive. Um, and and we talk about containers because I often think of it as like my own little internal bucket. Yes. And everybody has that internal bucket of what they feel worthy or capable of receiving. You'll watch some people be able to soak up love or compliments or encouragement, and they're just like a little sponge. They can just take it all in. It's because their internal bucket is a size that allows that. And then I've seen other people, it would just bounce right off. We all have differing sizes. I have certain things I can receive really well, and others not so much.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

What would you say would be one of the most applicable things that you've done to span the container?

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yeah. One of the biggest ways I've grown my sense of worthiness and receiving is when I can make and keep promises to myself. Wow. Being able to take care of what I have in front of me right now and take care of it well boosts my sense of confidence. And when I feel more confident, it goes hand in hand with my sense of worthiness as well. So if I'm saying I want to take care of my body and I say I'm going to go move my body for 10 minutes and I follow through on that, that's like a little check mark in my internal emotional integrity bank account. And the more I do those little things, the more I feel like I'm, I use the word stewarding. It's like, oh, am I stewarding what I have well now? Oh, I'm taking care of this relationship that I have now to the best of my ability. And I'm showing up when I say I'm showing up and I'm following through when I'm saying I'm going to follow through. Those things all help reinforce my internal sense of integrity. And we were just talking about alignment. When our inner world is able to align, then we find the outer world, like external opportunities, start to come into play. When I feel out of alignment internally, like I'm saying I'm going to do one thing and I'm doing another, I'm talking about habits. How do I tend to show up? Because when I am able to show up for myself consistently, I send myself the message that I am worth valuing. My time is worth valuing. My health is worth valuing. I am worth investing in the course or the therapy. I'm worth getting comfortable shoes that support my feet if that's what I need. I'm worth going to bed at a decent time so that I can get the sleep that my body needs. We're talking about worthiness and receiving go going so hand in hand. Part of the way I send myself the message that I am valuable and I am worthy is by valuing the things that I need and recognizing this is what I have in front of me now and taking care of that well sends the message to me that I'm worth taking care of well.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

This, Mel, this is very important. Like I would say this is such a great step one. You know, I don't think we're labeling that, but I'm like, yes. In some of the work that I've done, I like I put a lot of hours into it and I honored. I was like, this is something my heart has said it wants to do. Yeah. I practiced, I took the time, I woke up early, I stayed up late. That feeling that I noticed this matters to me. You matter. The things you want, they're worth it. They're worth the effort. Yeah. And they're worth a little uncomfortability. Cause let's be honest, I did this kind of stuff for everybody else. Uh-huh. Oh my God. I would leave work and then work after hours. I did that for to support other people's dreams. So you had worth in their dream. Exactly. What I what I'm hearing you say is like keeping making and keeping small habits, just showing yourself value. This would be another one. It's like, you know, when I sign up and I pay money for something, then I'm actually gonna show up and do it or I'm gonna take myself seriously. I'm doing it. I'm going to honor and be like, no, I can't babysit while I'm supposed to be doing my homework or whatever it is. Things like that also sent a lot of messages of like, this is what you're doing. It's important. You're allowed to take up that space. I agree. And that helped curl my container a ton.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Yeah. Because you touched on something important. I think, again, feeding back into the serving, giving, fixing all that stuff that we've done so well for so many years. It's been so easy for us to do it for others. So it comes back to again, am I willing to show up for myself the same way I would a dearly loved friend or

Practicing Receiving in Real Time

SPEAKER_01 22:37

a leader that I admire? Exactly. If somebody I perceived as important asked me to make a lunch date with them, would I keep that date? Well, do I give myself that same courtesy when I say I'm going to sit down and spend an hour studying this thing that I'm really interested in, or giving myself this creative outlet that actually feels like it would be very nourishing to me. Why would I value myself any less than I would somebody who I dearly love or dearly admire? Yeah. So powerful. All right.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

So let's move on if that feels good. Because that was that was yummy. Let's talk about practice. Yeah, let's talk about practicing receiving in real time. Ooh, well, I think one of the easiest ways for us to understand what we're kind of meaning is what is it like to receive a compliment in real time? How can you support yourself while that thing's landing as vulnerable and sometimes uncomfortable as it feels? Because honestly, I had a huge container for self-doubt, criticism, judgment, condemnation. It was large. Those feelings, though, as painful as they were, felt more natural than you had big containers for those.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Big containers for those.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

People are like, oh, that's it. Um, much smaller containers to receive a compliment. So, what does that feel like to let that land and be like, you're safe, you can just smile and say thank you. You don't have to fawn or deflect or make a joke. Oh my God, how many times do you say what I make? Just make stupid jokes. Your hair looks good. Oh, thanks. I washed it.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Or yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost a self-de-deprecating kind of like, oh yeah, I actually washed it for once, you know.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Like it was bad. Just whatever I would say is I would, mm-hmm. People may be seeing themselves in a lot of moments right now, we're hoping, but it's like, how do I support myself? And you know, I have two teenage daughters right now. There's I'm helping, not not like I'm helping coach them, but when people are giving them compliments, I'm like, just take the compliment.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Just smile and say thank you. Let that land. It's true. What does that feel like to believe that that's true or that you're worth it? How about for you?

SPEAKER_01 24:50

How do you practice receiving? I'm gonna tell on myself for a minute. I remember something recently. I was sitting with somebody and I was doing something that apparently she was like, I've never been able to do this before. And I was like, oh, and it felt very simple to me. And she's like, I have never been able to do this. And I remember thinking, um, it was like this little program thing that we were doing online. And I remember thinking, there must be a glitch in the program because there's no way that I could be actually doing this correctly. Actually, what happened first is I felt the warmth in my heart of like, oh wow, I'm doing something good that I didn't know I could do. And then by the time the conversation was over and I had walked away, like my head started to kick in and went, no, there must have been a glitch. There was a glitch in the program. There's no way that was how it actually worked. I'm telling on myself in the sense that like I am very much in the process of learning to let good things land. And I was able to also sit with the good feeling much longer than I would have been a few years ago. There would have been a few years ago where it would have been like two seconds of her complimenting me. I would have been like, oh, it must be a glitch. This time, at least I got like 30 minutes before it happened, you know? Oh, I love that you told on yourself. Yeah, it's like that, like we were talking about the continuum. It's it's like this expanding container over time. And I think a really practical, and you know, we're talking about compliments a lot, but really practical way it's the next time somebody compliments you, I dare you not to one, compliment them back right away, because that was another one of my tells when I was uncomfortable with receiving. It's like, oh, your hair's so pretty. Oh, really? I love your top, or oh, I love your hair too. And I wouldn't even give it a chance to land in my heart before it was like a knee-jerk reaction. I didn't even think about it. It was just immediate, oh, I'll compliment them back, which showed me when I sat with it, oh, I actually don't know how to just let somebody compliment me without feeling like I owe them something in return. Oh, girl. Maybe too uncomfortable to just sit with the fact that somebody could give me something that I didn't need to immediately reciprocate. So I think it's really important for the listener to just go, next time somebody compliments you, you are not allowed to make a self-deprecating comment or immediately compliment them back or make a silly joke. Just let it land.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Just let it land. Well, I was thinking about this aspect in my business and how, you know, the course of a couple years in my business have increased the price of what I charge. I think that a

Aligning Pricing with Self-Worth

SPEAKER_00 27:15

lot of this was about internal alignment. And I could in real time feel that the right and congruent thing to do was to have charge this much. And it was both honoring to me and to the client to do this. This is good.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

Let's talk about this. This is great. Like learning to receive an alignment with what feels true as opposed to what maybe seems logical. Speak some more to that because this touches on some of the money aspect of things, which is a huge part of receiving. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

People had been telling me for a year, you can be charging so much money. And internally, I knew I wasn't ready. Yeah. Good self-awareness. Good self-awareness. Yes. And so we're not saying charge a thousand dollars an hour. I don't like whatever. I mean though you're not there. Yeah. Exactly. That can kind of trip you up worse in the opposite way. But for me to feel into the space internally, the increments of growth and raising my prices, that felt an alignment to me. Then when that happened, the truth is my business kept growing. My biggest fear was that as I would raise the price, I would lose people because it would leave. No, I got more and more clients coming to me because I was in that congruency. I was in the alignment and I had worked on creating safety to receive the thing that I was desiring and saying that this was in alignment to me. How did you do that? You said I've worked on the safety. Can you speak to that a little bit? Yeah. People recommended charging my prices. And I'm sure there are people and clients that were like, we would, we loved it. We love that old price. And the truth is, it's really not up to them. There's no external person to inform you to really help this. Like this was an internal thing for me to practice receiving. I had to do this for myself.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

How did you know? Because obviously you said people were telling you for a year, what was the cue to you to kind of trigger that process of like, oh no, I do need to raise it now? What I hear you saying is there's a lot of self-aid, like agency here, self-awareness, but also you needed to be honest. You couldn't just raise it because somebody else told you to. How did you know when you were ready to pull the trigger?

SPEAKER_00 29:31

There was a moment in my core that I just knew it was right. It was time. And without that feeling, I wouldn't have stayed on my team. It was the sense of I'm going to stick with you. Ooh. In this even if I lose my clients because I've raised the price. Is that what you're kind of saying? If everyone leaves and they're I won't turn on myself and say, damn it, Des, you screwed it all up. We had a good thing going. You know, now you love you've ruined it. I wasn't going to turn on myself. Yeah, that's powerful. And when I felt that I would give myself that support unconditionally, that's when I was like, green light. That's really good. Oftentimes when I'm working with business, business owners, I'm like, oh, this is so less about the right time externally, like figuring it out or looking at numbers or how many clients you have to determine that. This is a deeply internal choice. When you know, you're gonna know.

SPEAKER_01 30:29

So I think I think you've touched on something really powerful, which is the need to know yourself, that importance of connecting to the internal intuitive guidance system that God has placed within our own hearts. It's so often how He leads us. And sometimes the external, I think, can help. I like to use the external as confirmation of, oh, I'm feeling this stirring in my heart. And sometimes it is a wake-up call if I'm a little bit out of touch with what's going on. But ultimately, what I heard you saying was when I sit even with other business owners, what I'm helping them do is tune in to what is actually going to be correct for them. It's not about you saying, okay, well, you know, follow my path and this is what you need to do. You're saying, let me give you the tools so that you can make powerful decisions for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Yes. So that you can know inside of you and to build the capacity through this experience to actually receive the things that you want. Yeah. Because again, this is that container space that I needed inside of me so that I could actually receive that price from my clients moving forward. Had I not done this work, I wouldn't have had that capacity to do it. And for me personally, it took a while because I felt a lot of unworthiness.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

I I

The Power of Personal Ownership

SPEAKER_01 31:45

you're touching something really powerful too, which is so much of this is actually going to come from me learning to believe in me. I have listened to gosh, countless messages, sermons, podcasts, read books on things like you growing in your self-esteem or your confidence or your worthiness or all these different things. Ultimately, I've had to come back to the place where I realized that I had to do the work internally. Des can be a dear friend, love me dearly, cheer me on. But if I don't believe it, it doesn't really matter. And I think that's how we see people with tremendous potential crash and burn because ultimately, somewhere along the way, you can only go so far with other people's fuel and encouragement, which I think is an important component. But ultimately, I have to make the decision. I'm going to do the work to learn how to expand this container, to believe in myself, to embrace worthiness. It actually comes back to the buck stops with me.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

I have to do the work of learning how to believe in myself. I could pull on other resources, but it's never going to replace the inner process that I need to go on that only I can embrace. I agree. I a hundred percent agree.

Celebrating the Journey

SPEAKER_01 32:58

We have two more tips that we'd love to share with you. The first one is acknowledging what is already going well. Sometimes we can get so future focused that we can forget to stop and smell the roses or celebrate where we are on the journey. Do you have any thoughts or reflections on that, Des?

SPEAKER_00 33:20

My goodness. Yeah, this is probably a a place that I'm definitely working on right now in my system. But um yeah, I think that when you think of this as a process, I love, I love that it's called the road back because to me, this is the great metaphor of everything. So I'm like, oh, you're starting off and your heart's speaking to you. It's like, this is what I want or this is what I desire. And then you start to create the energy of, okay, we're gonna do that, to not acknowledge what's working, it's just to sort of like just move and move and move and kind of maybe be in some flight energy or flow energy or try to accomplish energy. And acknowledging what's working more often is sort of completing the loop of art for your system of like my heart's spoken, I've gone towards that thing. Oh my gosh, look at what it feels like. Look at what we've done. Look at that, there's our book. That's my bread that I baked, or that's the piece of art, or look, we walk 10 miles, whatever the goal is, to sit and really notice it is such an important part for longevity, for momentum's sake.

SPEAKER_01 34:29

Yes, longevity, key word right there. I've recognized that something with the power of acknowledging is that personally I need to feel rewarded along the way for the longevity's sake. And while I have learned over the years I have to do a lot of hard things and not seek rewards along the way, I have discovered that it is much more delightful to me if I do get to stop and smell the roses again. If I do get to pause and rest, if I do get to celebrate accomplishment on the way to where I'm going, rather than going, I can be happy when big goal X is achieved, or you want to say, when I make that sum of money, or when Mr. Miss Perfect comes into my life, I can be happy then. Sometimes we can rob ourselves of the daily joy of living. And that's another reason why I love gratitude practice and things like that is learning to notice what is already going well. And I remember uh someone gave a friend and I some really wise advice. We've been hosting women's retreats and we'd been having a great time. We put so much work into them. And they were really powerful times for both us and for the people who came. And I remember this lady who was an attendee at one of them had said, um, have you paused to actually celebrate your hard work? Right. It was one of, it was one of those nuggets of wisdom that I have never forgotten because I had recognized how much I was in the habit of putting all the work in, work, work, work, work, work, get to the event, have a great event, and then barely let the event finish before we'd be starting to think, what can we do next? And creating conscious moments, giving myself a period of time after something that I put a lot of time and energy into and going, huh, Melissa, you did a good job. Yeah. I started consciously creating time to pause, to reflect, to be thankful, and to really let the job well done settle in my system and feel it. Like I we we talk a lot about the felt feelings or feeling things in your body. I was not accustomed to allowing any sort of celebration of myself when I had done something hard. I've added it as an important tool in my toolbox because if you don't learn how to pause to receive those moments, to sit in those

The Importance of Acknowledgment

SPEAKER_01 37:02

moments of celebration, I think we deceive ourselves into thinking that when I get to the big, big goal, you know, you make the money or you meet the person. If you haven't trained yourself how to receive along the way, I mean, there's a saying that says the way you do anything is the way you do everything. Yes. And if I don't know how to receive those micro moments and those celebrations along the path, I think I'm deceiving myself to think that when I get to the big goal, I'm gonna suddenly, miraculously be able to sit in that accomplishment and really let it land with me if I am completely out of practice and I've never allowed myself to do it before. I think that's why people get, you know, we they achieve great success and they're like, oh, it wasn't the level of fulfilling that I expected it to be, because I've never trained myself to do that in the journey along the path.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

This is so relatable. And it's been such a journey for me personally to learn to do this because it was extremely foreign to me as well. I remember our teacher taught us the antidote to performance is celebration. And I thought to myself, Oh, that's good. And so if you can find yourself of like, I'm gonna perform or I'm gonna go and I'm gonna get desperate, or I'm gonna, you know what I mean, grind, grind this dream or work, work, work, work, work. The more I celebrate, the less likely I am to perform. Ooh, perform in like you're saying, like a negative kind of yeah, in any, yeah, in any negative way, because I'm actually already being seen, I'm being known, I'm being validated. They're like, you did that. That cost you. You put so much work into that. I saw how much work. No one else knows, but I saw. When I can celebrate and acknowledge what's working, what I'm validate myself, then I I don't have to get into that performance energy as much because I already feel really seen. Kind of reminds me of why the even our first aspect was so important. Because the way we keep promises to ourselves is the way we will do everything. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Exactly. That's what I that's what I was thinking about. How we can get so easily into just wanting the next thing. Yes. Like I'll be happy when fill in the blank. I can be peaceful when my life will be fulfilled when I can love myself more when. You know, I'll I'll have reached success pinnacle, whatever, when X amount of money is in the bank. I was like my own little wake-up call where I was thinking, where are the areas where I'm still doing that? What would it look like if I just poured myself wholeheartedly into taking care of the amount of money I have now or the relationships I have now, the home I have now, the backyard, like I'm in the process of doing all my gardening and I'm thinking, oh man, I'd love to do this or that. And it's like, well, no, how do I take care of these plants that I have right in front of me, even as I'm dreaming of building out my landscaping and my garden? There's something about learning to be satisfied. I'm not saying that you can't want more. This is where there's the paradox, like two things can be true at once. Yes. I can want more, which we preach all the time. And there's a tremendous value and wisdom in learning to love where I am at right now, love myself where I am at right now on the journey. Love the life in front of me. And that's something that's feeling like a really very present-day lesson in my life that I'm just returning to again and again. How do I love my right now life? I need a level of presence in order to receive. Yes. And there's something about going after dreams that can keep you in a very active, like you said, flight energy. There's nothing wrong with that, but no human is created to just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I need to be present as well as going. I can receive when I am present. It is very difficult to receive when I'm running down the road full speed ahead.

SPEAKER_00 40:53

That's really the key. Yeah, because you actually can't receive if you're not present. And you can't acknowledge what's working if you're not present. And so presence is such a beneficial part of growing the container. Whatever I'm present with what's working, what does this feel like for me to be on the path towards my heart's dreams? It is the gift of the right now. I'm actually not even guaranteed tomorrow. No, I'm not even guaranteed 30 minutes from now. It's like it's the right now.

Surrounding Yourself with Positive Influences

SPEAKER_01 41:26

Okay, one last thing before we wrap up today, and that is surrounding myself with people who reflect truth back to me with people who believe in me.

SPEAKER_02 41:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:38

Those positive influences in our lives.

SPEAKER_00 41:41

This one's probably one of the most vulnerable for me that I'm still really working on. I think that when we do this, again, it's sending messaging to our systems of worth because we're surrounding ourselves with people who can reflect to us through their eyes a value of ourself that we're already working on. You know, like I'm working on worth, and then I have you, and you're like, you're worthy. And I'm like, okay, this is congruency. I think that that's so important, even if it's just one person, how important it is to get comfortable and letting someone really champion you, really love you. Currently, I'm working on creating reciprocal relationships. I know that seems pretty basic, but I'm like, wait a second, I'm worth someone who will check in on me. And I'm not the only person that has to do all the pursuing and and friendships. I'm okay if you don't check in with someone, that's okay. Someone will eventually check on you. And that will be the reciprocal relationship that you need. And so I think that all of these kind of stack when it comes to bringing in alignment worth being able to feel safe with people who feel positive things about me.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

Helps me receive that.

SPEAKER_01 43:01

And I think you can touch even back into the beginning of the episode where we were talking about being the server, being the one who was always there for others. I was often the one who did all the pursuing or the initial pursuing, because it was just my nature too. I was always good at kind of picking who was going to end up together in terms of couples and relationships. I can see, I can see relational connections often before other people can. Wow. And that was true for myself too. I'd I'd meet somebody and I'd think, oh, we're going to be friends. When a lot of our identity is wrapped up in codependency and drawing a lot of our self-worth from being needed and being the helper and being the one who, you know, is always useful and, like you said, low maintenance. Finding that balance, that's been a big journey for me of going, oh, I am allowed to not carry the weight of this relationship solely on my shoulders. Yeah. And it's okay for me to let other people reciprocate as well, like you're touching on that. Too. Yeah. I actually had to come to the place where I could believe that there were people out there who would reciprocate.

SPEAKER_00 44:07

Yes. I'm so glad you spoke to that's so much part of that feeling of like the how vulnerable it was. I don't have to carry 100% of the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

There are other people out there who will see me as valuable enough that they will consider that I am worthy of putting the time into.

SPEAKER_00 44:23

And this is definitely that self-worth and value. I mean, I referred to it earlier with how much I would get paid, right? This is the same type of a thing. It's like actually I'm worth this. Yeah. I'm actually worth a friend.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

Which feels risky when you're used to, yeah. I'm the instigator, I'm the pursuer, I'm the one who does it. If I let go, what if nobody wants to be my friend?

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Yeah. And subconsciously, we're telling ourselves, you're just not even worth it. You're not even worth someone doing that by continuing in that pattern. I'm telling that myself and I'm laughing. It's okay. We're on the continuum.

SPEAKER_01 44:56

We're all in some part of the journey. And what I was thinking as well is there's that place where you take the risk. And also there's also a place as you grow in your health and your self-worth. I've come to the place where I'm like, I will be okay in the process, in the in-between. Because there's that place where you let go and you're like, I'm not going to carry the soul weight of the relationship on my shoulders. But what if I don't have any friends? I've come to the place where it's like, well, never the, you know, nevertheless, even if I don't have friends right away, I'm still on my team. Yes. And I would rather have a healthy, fewer number of friendships that feel aligned and right-sized for me rather than continue in the cycle. And you could put this into dating as well. And I'm not even, I'm not even going to shame the years that I did do really codependent things all the time and carried all the relationship on my shoulder. We were doing the best we knew how in the season we were in. And we are allowed to change and grow and to change our priorities and go, you know what? That worked for me then, but it doesn't work now.

Letting Go to Receive More

SPEAKER_01 46:02

And I can be on my own team even if I don't see immediate results. Because I think that's where it feels scary. Like, oh, I'm going to raise the prices. What if nobody shows up? Yeah. I'm going to start doing some of my relationships a little bit differently. What if I have no friends? What if, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to let go. There's that always risk of I'm going to let go of what no longer serves me in order to open up my heart and to pursue what I actually do feel that nudge or that pull towards. And that's where that journey of trust comes in.

SPEAKER_00 46:35

I love that you said it like that because it's the perfect conclusion to this episode. Because when you're thinking about how do I learn to receive, you actually have a little bit of letting go of the limits that you had before. You have to let those go in order to create a new container of receiving. And I I love that articulation of that because I think that that would be completely true for me. I have to let go of the ceiling of what I thought I was worthy of, that I could receive relationally. It's not just money, it's not just compliments. By letting that go, I could actually learn to create the ability to receive what I really wanted. I imagine I'm just going to keep doing that as I grow as a human. I'm just going to, I'm like, oh, that that used to be my ceiling. Now I'm going to get a new ceiling and I have this new thing.

SPEAKER_01 47:31

I think we learn to normalize it a little bit. It doesn't mean that it, you don't feel that risk and the vulnerability, but it becomes a little bit less scary because you've seen it happen in the past. I chose to raise my prices and I didn't lose clients. I got more. Oh. Now when you have another business opportunity, it's like, oh, I have this history that I can fall back on and go, it worked. I think that's to me the ideal way of growing is beginning to build the history. And I think that's strengthened the more we learn to stop to pull in some of those other things to acknowledge.

SPEAKER_02 48:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:10

This is where I've come from. Do you have any closing thoughts you want to leave with our listeners today?

SPEAKER_00 48:17

I would just say that learning to receive is a deep, sacred journey. If you find yourself figuring this out and expanding and letting go of ceilings, I'm so happy that you're there. You're like in the right place at the right time. Yes. I I want to just acknowledge the vulnerability there and the cost of letting go ceilings and transcending where we thought we could go. It is one of the most vulnerable things. That's why we talk about dreams. Is like, yeah, you know, our our pain is extremely vulnerable and our dreams are very vulnerable to share. I get it. I'm right there with you. We're right there doing it with you. And we'd love to hear any places you might be expanding outside of um what you believed in order to receive a little bit more. We we love hearing from you guys. Yeah. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 49:14

I I loved what you said about the sacred. I I agree. I think we sometimes focus on verses in the Bible that say it's more blessed to give than receive. But I've really been thinking a lot about, but Jesus still said that it was blessed to receive by implic the implication in that passage is it's still blessed to receive. I think uh that full circle going after dreams is a vital part and learning to receive puts the icing on the cake. It's like being able to harvest the crop once you've done all the work. We want to be able to eat the fruit of our labor. We want the listeners to be able to eat reap and eat the fruit of their labor as well. So good. Thank you, friends. Thanks for being here.

SPEAKER_00 49:58

Yeah, see you next week. Bye.