#36 – Moving From Chaos to Connection This Summer

In this episode Dez and Mel explore a practical framework for parents to approach summer with intention, focusing on self-awareness, setting realistic expectations, and cultivating meaningful connections with children. Join us as we discuss validating the changes of the season and creating flexible anchor points to foster a balanced summer as a family. 

Let's stay connected! 

The Road Back Podcast socials:

Instagram: @the.road.back.podcast

YouTube: youtube.com/@TheRoadBackPodcast

Transcript

Introduction: Approaching Summer with Intention

0:01

Welcome to the Road Back Podcast. We're so glad you're here. I'm Melissa and I'm Desiree. We're two trauma-informed coaches and real life friends. If you're returning to yourself, your dreams, or your sense of belovedness, this podcast is for you. We'll pull from our own stories and hard-earned wisdom to support your journey. So take a breath and remember, you belong exactly as you are. Welcome back to the Roadback Podcast, listeners. It is almost summer here in the Northern Hemisphere. And so we as moms are gearing up for the summer season and wanted to create this episode as a guideline of how we can approach this season of summer. We're just wanting to validate that there is a lot of changes that are happening, even though it's like an anticipated time for kiddos. There could be a lot of feelings as

Managing Expectations and Recognizing Seasonality

1:03

parents. Sometimes there's excitement, sometimes there's dread, that feeling of dread of like, I'm not ready for this. We're hoping in this episode to really take a look at some of the expectations we have for summer, what that's like to put pressure on ourselves to make huge memories, or just this overall sense that we need to do it all. I need to keep working, I need to keep entertaining, show up for my kids. We're hoping to create this framework of how we could actually approach the summer. And hopefully it'll help you like it's helped us. Yeah, because as a mom who's now been a mom for 18 years, because my oldest is 18 and your oldest is a little older. It is funny, the wisdom I feel like we've learned. We've learned some life lessons. We've I've done some summers hard and I've done some summers easier. Even going into this summer, I'm regrouping again. And so this episode is just as much for us as we're we're going through the exercises with you. So whether you have children who are newborn or toddlers or ranging up to young adults, maybe if they're still in the home, our goal with this is to give you some practical frameworks, to give you some really good questions, because I find that good questions just help you

Understanding Capacity and Self-Awareness

2:13

tap into the heart of the matter. We're wanting to take you on a journey of validating what it can look like, but also giving you some tools so that this summer can feel connected, it can feel present, it can feel regulated, and we can take away some of the frantic and even perfectionism that can and performance that can sometimes sneak in. So sneaky, sneaky. Sneaky, sneaky. Yeah. And and point one we want to start with is talking about our capacity and steering away from a fantasy world of like, oh, my kids are gonna be perfect and I'm gonna be able to juggle my work and my life balance and nothing's gonna go wrong. I've been guilty of this because I I have tended towards idealism. Yeah. And so we don't want to build our summer around the ideal fantasy. Yes. We want to recognize the season that we're in. We want to recognize the season of life that our children are in. And I think taking that step back, we want to know where we're wanna go. We want to have an end goal in mind. But in order to really do that well, you need to know where you're starting from. Yes. And so I think it's a great time at this point of the year to take stock and go, all right, where's my capacity at right now? Have I had any physical things going on? Have my kids have any physical things going on? What about emotional things? Is there relational dynamics that I need to address? Just taking that step back and noticing and being aware of that discrepancy we can sometimes set between, okay, it's going to look like this or I want it to look like this, and being self-aware enough to look at what my internal world and even my external capacity is right now. What you're sharing reminds me of the nervous system work that we often facilitate with clients. There's like a cognitive plan of this was an ideal. This is where I think a lot of people start off even the beginning of the year with like, this is my life plan. These are my goals for the year, and this is how I'm going to lose 25 pounds or whatever, fill in the blank. But then there's the actual nervous system experience, and there's often a disconnect, an incongruency of what it actually feels like to do those things. And so we're hoping you can actually just tune in to be like, what am I actually feeling? My capacity is like, what can I actually handle? Not what's an ideal world of waking up at five and exercising and making a fresh breakfast and exploring the woods for five hours with

Aligning Expectations with Reality

4:43

the kids. There's a lot that goes into the felt feeling. And then there's a lot of practicals. Like there's a lot to my life now, different than when my kids were little. I'm I'm working now. So then there's work realities. What's my capacity with work and with the kids home that I actually have? Not my not what I'd like to have. This is where I'm very guilty. I'd like to have a different capacity, but my actual capacity is something else. So we're just looking at it and being honest and how coming to terms with that. And obviously, there's some financial things that you could think of. Maybe I have to meet a certain level of finances or what is trips costing. And so balancing what we'd like it to be and what it actually is is such an important aspect. You touched on the finances there. One part of that can be how much do I need to work, you know, to keep a roof, you know, roof over our heads, food on the table. The other thing that you can look at too is what does that mean that I'm going to be able to do this summer? You know, not all families are going to be booking a five-star trip to the Amalfi coast for the summer. You know, for some people it might be more realistic of like, hey, we're going to make a trip to grandma and grandpa's house or, you know, having that freedom of looking at where is my capacity even financially? Maybe it's not realistic for you to put your kids in full-time daycare for the whole summer, that or full-time camps or basketball camp and volleyball camp and all the other things. And I think that even touches on that tendency we can have sometimes to compare ourselves. Again, taking that power back, that self-awareness back and going, I can still create something meaningful within my budget, within my capacity. In fact, that's where the grace will be, is when I am owning this is where I'm at right now, and not trying to live up to some unrealistic expectation that I've either put on myself or I've seen somebody else do and somehow gotten sucked into the comparison trap of if you're doing it, I should be doing that too. Oh my goodness, my kids might suffer if they're not doing this, this, this, and this. Whereas this has been a huge journey for me is learning the quality time and that connection time is where it's really at. And maybe I could do amazing connection on the Amalfi coast with my kids. And I could do amazing connection with my children sitting around the kitchen table, coloring, coloring in together. Another place that I noticed because I have older kids now, just talking about expectations and kind of that comparison feeling is sometimes my kids' dream summer is like going to Disneyland all the time. And I'm like, that's not, that's not gonna happen. And so I have felt guilty in the past of this, where I was like, I've actually adopted their standard. Ooh, I'm telling on myself of like that is the goal, is to help them feel like they're feeling a certain way this summer. And again, it's their idealism that I'm trying to actually hook my train onto. And it's like always ended in poorly for me. So I don't I just throw that out there for you know, older kids who are more expressive. You know, they have a sense of self, they know what they want. You also are allowed to be like, that's okay for them to have that ideal for themselves. And I get to have a different sense of what would work for me. And individuation of that with older kids is just something I wanted to highlight. So yeah. Yeah, because it's even helping them set expectations around, yeah, it's great for you to want this thing. I don't want to shut that down. And what my capacity, my boundaries, my internal world right now, that that's valuable life skill for children to learn as

Key Questions for Summer Planning

8:24

well. Two key questions here. What is the pace that our family needs to take in this summer in order to thrive and not just survive? Because that will be individual for each family, because each family's capacity and needs are different. And the other question, which I think is really important, is what are the dysregulators? What are the things that are gonna throw my nervous system off or my kids? What are gonna get us into that fight or flight mode all the time? What's gonna get us super stressed out? Again, that's a very individual question, but those are two questions we can ask ourselves from the beginning to really become mindful about what's going to empower the summer to feel like one that we love versus a summer that we're just enduring. I love those questions. I could already tell that framework is important because as you think about what are the natural dysregulators, what are the things that are happening in the summer that don't happen during the regular school year? And we could actually just sink in and validate that your life is changing. Sure. Your kids are still your kids and your house is still your house, and you're probably working the same job, most of us. However, you're allowed to name that it feels very different to have such a different rhythm and schedule to life. The kids are experiencing a lot of that change, and you are too. And I think that loss of structure. When I homeschooled, this was the hardest thing for me to validate. Because I was like, technically, I'm at home all the time, anyways. But it did definitely feel different because I didn't have the structure of school. And so for me, my brain was like, I'm already home with them, but it was very different. Now it's clearer because they're going to school somewhere else, and then some of them even move home. It feels like I can tell that there's a change in my house dynamic. But I think that taking the time to validate that is a really important starting point. Validation is wildly underrated. If nothing else, we can validate it. We can validate because I'm guilty of the same thing. I overestimated my ability to transition from one season into another. I thought because my logical analytical mind knew the last day of school is this day, and summer vacation runs from these weeks to these weeks. Therefore, our schedule is shifting. Naively assumed that because I mentally understood what was happening, that my nervous system would catch up as quickly. And so I would feel this tension sometimes. And that's that's why I'm saying the validation is so great, because I didn't know how to give myself the grace or even validate my own experience when I would start feeling frustrated because, like, oh, why isn't it working? And we're two weeks into summer and we haven't found a rhythm yet. And some of that was because I wasn't as intentional in those seasons, but also I had unrealistic expectations on my own ability to manage a transition and to work through a transition. It's not just like flicking a light switch on and one day we're in school and the next day we're not, and everybody's completely transitioned from one to the other. I I have three kiddos, one of which is graduating from high school this year. The other two are finishing up at a school that my other son has been at for eight years, and they're not going back to that school next year. And so even recognizing there's the emotional transition out of something that has not just been a school year season, but a longer multi-year season, uh there's often a multi-layered transition at play. And it's not just the last day of school and the first day of summer. And so I wanted to highlight that because I don't think I'm the only one who can get sucked into the logical framework of things and think this makes sense on paper. So it should make sense emotionally. It should make sense to my nervous system. Why am I struggling here? And instead, stepping back and going, oh, there's more at play than just the calendar and the dates and the days of the week here. Yeah, absolutely. And so much of what you're saying is we want to validate in this transition, which is nuanced, multifaceted transition for a nervous system. It's not just our systems that are adapting, it's also our kiddos' nervous systems that are adapting. I think it's so funny because I'm like shocked all the time

Validation and Emotional Adaptation

12:43

about my emotions of things. I'm like, where'd that come from? You know, like I I knew I knew this was coming, but I didn't expect you don't anticipate the feelings or what might come. And so hopefully you can see yourself and be like, oh my gosh, that's what it's been. But I think for for parents is that there is a sense of predictability during the school year that kiddos are somewhere, even if they're in college, they're doing their thing. And there's a loss of that predictability. And that's an important factor that actually impacts your nervous system. If you think uh on a neurological level, transitions and times, it takes many weeks for your nervous system to adapt and your brain to be like, oh, this is the new normal without the multifaceted layers, other triggers and other experiences in our systems that may create even a longer timeline. Giving yourself the realistic expectation and validating of like, I can actually now change my expectations to anticipate that I'm gonna feel certain things. And this might take a while for this to feel quote unquote like the new normal. It's like a huge shift that I've been trying to incorporate and it's felt so helpful. I'm like, oh yeah, it's been three weeks. Yeah, this is this is about right. Changing the expectation has really helped give it space and validating that that it takes that much time. Yeah. Lifting off the pressure and even acknowledging that there can be a little bit of grief or a little bit of wistfulness sometimes. I I have learned to really love my summers with my kids. When I didn't understand the transitions as well, I would find myself resisting things and then it would prolong the transition because I wouldn't quite know what was going on. And so I'd be almost bucking up against it of like, oh, I uh this is feeling off. But being able to open up space and go, okay, there's some freedom that I have in my days when my kids are at school. I'm not bad to miss that sometimes. It's it's not bad to suddenly go, wow, they're at home 24-7, especially when they're little, and some of my free time is disrupted or some of my rhythm is disrupted. I'm not a bad mom for recognizing that that might feel hard. Yeah. Or that maybe I'm a little bit sad about it. I'm not a bad mom if I have moments where I was like, wow, it was easier when they were in school, or wow, I had this one time a week when I had this special thing that I could do, and now that needs to change. It was harder for me when I made myself feel guilty or ashamed about feeling that way than it was when I just stepped back and went, okay, I'm gonna have thoughts, I'm gonna have feelings about this. It doesn't make them good or bad, it doesn't make me good or bad. My kids are gonna have thoughts and feelings. Can we just open up some space and give ourselves some grace to be where we're at? And I think as I've done that across the board in my life in general, yes. I've learned to be much more gracious with myself and probably as a result with others too. So, so good. Beautiful. We

Who Do I Want to Be This Summer?

15:45

have three questions that you can ask yourself to create a framework on how to move forward and to help yourself create goals and a structure for your summer. And the first one hopefully will get you considering yourself because a lot of parents think only about their kids or what has changed. And this is our summer too. And the question is, who do I want to be this summer? How do I want to feel? What is it that I might need? What is my life inviting me into? What is my heart inviting me into? What is my body inviting me into? What is my season inviting me into? I think that is a great place to start because I think understanding, especially if you're the primary caregiver at home or you're in a role where you're going to have potential disruptions to your schedule, maybe your work schedule, your daily rhythms, recognizing what are those essentials for me? Who do I want to be in this summer? What are the things that need to be in place so that I can put on the metaphorical oxygen mask first, so that my needs are being met, and therefore those needs being met are allowing me to show up in the capacity and the way that I want to, so that I'm not living in a constant reaction mode to the environment around me or my children. I think taking this moment to be intentional and letting that answer in particular, like who do I want to be this summer, is like a like a little stake in the ground from which I am going to then build out the rest of my summer schedule. A word that came to me a lot today was the word rhythmic. Having a rhythm feels to me more spacious than a regimented routine. I need that a little bit. Some people thrive with really strict routines. I don't. I need rhythms that are predictable, but I also need flexibility. And so just for me, that's okay, I want to be rhythmic. I I wanna I want to be rested. That was another one that felt important to me. Any words that came to mind for you or phrases, thoughts for you, Des? One of my goals for the summer is I just really want to be present. And so what do I need to allow for that capacity to be able to be present with my kids when I'm not working? Presents to work, presents to my children, presents to my friends, presents to my life, to my own heart. Similarly, the intention here is it's like a foundational anchoring for your summer. So I love that we started here because if I have that in mind, I'm more likely to let that be a tethering point for me to like, oh, how's my how's my presence doing? Like how my rhythm's feeling. It's a guide that we can come back to and reset as many times as you need throughout the year. I love that you said present. Present felt really important to me too, uh, because that is something that I can struggle with when I'm living in reaction mode. Yes. This, that, the other thing. I'd say if you if you took nothing else out of this episode today, but you take these three questions we're gonna give you and you just sat with them, you

Creating a Home Environment That Reflects Your Values

18:59

can do that whether or not you have children. That's beyond the spectrum of even parenting. But just simply, who do I want to be? Who do I want to be in this space in this season? I don't think you can ever go wrong with that because I think you sit with it and answers will come to you. You'll have a word, a phrase, a scripture, a mantra, something to hold on to. And it's a great anchoring point. Let's go on to uh question two. I love this one. Des came up with this question, all shout out to her. What do I want my home to feel like? Speak to that, Des. What was in your heart when you said that? There's there's a little push-pool. And the reason I asked this question because we started this episode with even being able to validate there's a lot of things that will change in my home dynamic. Having kids at home and having all their friends over swimming till late. Like, there's gonna be an inevitable change that I both love and then that the other push is like, oh my god, like they stay up a lot later than me. There's a little bit of give and take. When I think about how my home wants to feel, I want people to feel welcome. And I also have to acknowledge that that costs me a little something. And I think that that is valuable and realistic because it doesn't mean I have to let everyone stay over till 1 a.m. ordering pizza and playing poker because that that's happened lots of times, you know, uh swimming and watching movies and having fun. But also there are some goals that I have of just creating a home life that's so fun that people want to connect and be present with each other in. And so things will be messier, things will cost a little more money, there'll be a lot more food consumed. You might go, this is just realistic. But I think there's that home feeling that I want to have, not only for others, but I want to have a feeling in my home. And so what's the feeling I want to have? And then maybe that's where I put in some boundaries too. So I I love this question because it offers both an experience where I can think externally of my home home and then be like, what does that feeling of home mean to me in this season? Yes. And that's the

Cultivating Values and Life Skills in Children

21:15

beauty as well of having you get both. You get to have a little push-pull. There's space for you, and there's space for them. And I think this is a great lead-in to our third question, which is what am I wanting to cultivate in my children this summer? Your children want to have their friends over, they want to have fun, and you're working from home. And there might be times where they can't stay up till three playing Call of Duty or whatever, you know, and then it's on the top of their lungs, you know, whatever it might be. So there's that invitation into the push and pull and the give and the take. And those are such vital qualities. What are the things that we're cultivating in our children? Because we're not just raising them when they're young, we're actually raising them to be the adults that are thoughtful and kind and generous. And where are the things that we're Seeing as parents were uniquely suited and situated to see perspectives into our children's lives. I I sat down with this and I thought, oh man, there's some great things I can see right away where I'm thinking, oh, this would be a perfect time where we don't have the pressure of school and exams and sports the same way, those kinds of things, where we can now dive into some of, for me, I'm thinking life skills that are gonna serve them. And and the home is a great place to cultivate some of those skills. I love that. Yeah, there's been so many summers where I'm like, oh, this summer is about them driving, or this summer is about working their first job. This summer is about getting them independent enough to make all their own meals. And step by step, we're cultivating these things. Obviously, the age of your child, uh whatever might be appropriate. But I think this has changed my summer when I have a little bit of separation from shame or guilt about not being able to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for them. Because not that I do that all the time, but there's kind of that feeling like, oh, they're they're home. Like, oh, he's from out of state. Like I would want to do that. But I'm like, actually, that's not what this season is about. Yes. This is about them just being independent. And another thought I have is we love to host. And so I've noticed when my kids host people, my daughters will like get the napkins out and they'll get a water pitcher, and then they'll get snacks out, and then they're in charge of cleaning the snacks. And so cultivating that rhythm of this is their home and they're hosting. And so they're taking ownership, even these life skills of self-orientation and the ownership of if I am having people over, this is what I'm gonna do, or this is something I want my life to learn to drive. So I need to study and I need to plan my test. And those are great goals to lean into to help establish those life skills. I think that's beautiful because in an ideal world, a healthy home is a place for the kids to learn. Okay, I I tried to bake the cake and I forgot to put the baking soda in it. It didn't turn out. Okay, but that's not the end of the world. This is the place where they get to try, they get to make mistakes. They fall down, they get back up. Yes. You're ideally there to oversee, and oops, we forgot that. Okay, I'll help you clean it up. And that's one of the things I'm looking forward to. That was on my list this year. My daughter's 11. And what can I help her learn to cook? How can she cook more? And what are some responsibilities that she's ready to take on now that she's she's going into middle school next year? I feel a level of excitement in my heart and getting to be that input in their summer. Creating that goal is so important because it's not just being fun or having a good time or only going on that one trip. You're expanding the framework of what success could look like or the goals of the summer. It has helped me in so many different ways. I it doesn't have to be everything, it can be these two things. And that's helped a lot manage a lot of expectations for myself. And it is so exciting. I mean, I think when your kids grow up, it's it's lovely. I love it. Like it was so fun when my kids learned to swim. I remember that being one of the goals, right? It's pretty fun when they get so independent. And I think it shows the value. I've had I've had years where travel was a significant part of my summer. So then the goals are different. But there's no minimizing or less than experience if, say, this is a summer where you're going to be home a lot more. Yes. There's still a way to create meaning and intention around it without it having to be like, you know, like you said, they wanted to go to Disneyland every weekend or something like that. That might not be the realistic option for you. That might not be the season you're in. And I want to highlight that we can fall into traps sometimes of being like, okay, well, if we're not going away, I've been guilty of this. Oh, I want to have my kids have this magical summer and all these beautiful memories. If we're not careful, we miss what the children actually need. That quality time and that connection. I mean, I I sat up last night, NBA playoffs are on right now. And so my boys and I are sitting downstairs last night. I should have been in bed, but I've learned that teenagers, they want to talk at night. They don't care about talking at eight o'clock in the morning. 11 p.m. at night, it's like game on. Let's start talking about stuff. My son's showing me random reels on his phone that he thinks is hilarious. I swear if I asked him those questions at seven o'clock in the morning or eight o'clock or nine o'clock in the morning, I'd just get a grunt. I would not get the same response. And recognizing it, and I feel I feel proud of myself and the growth that I've had because I think that, you know, especially as you grow and you mature with your children in many respects as well. I've learned to recognize, okay, I might have to sacrifice some sleep. And that's something I need to take into account this summer. Do I want to change my wake up time a little bit? Do I need to change my schedule a little bit in order to accommodate these meaningful connections and the quality time moments, especially the older they get when you know that they're getting closer to, you know, leaving the nest, so to speak, maximizing those times with them while they are still at home feels like gold. Yeah. Yeah. It is precious. They're organic. That's what I loved about this late night watching the games thing. Oftentimes we think that we have to plan a 10-step situation. And it's really about creating a space and a framework of who you want to be. Like these questions we're giving you so that you can organically just be like, oh, this is the moment. It's 11 p.m. and this is the connection time that I've structured my framework around so that I could be present here and I can go with the flow and I can make adaptations and be in the moment. So I just I love that story because it's so true. The older they get, you have to organically grab the moment. It's not like you have to plan out the moment when they're gonna. I can't, I cannot figure out that. It doesn't always work that way. It doesn't work because they might not be ready to connect when and so learning those rhythms and each parent will know their own children and their own idiosyncrasies and their quirks. My daughter doesn't do super well up late at night. If she stays up late too many nights, it's she struggles throughout the day. So she's kind of a creature of rhythm. She needs to go to bed at a set time. So then I get to think about what are the meaningful ways I can connect with her throughout the day. In a nutshell, it's really understanding your children's love language and their, you know, the love languages of your family and going, how do I create places to fill up their love buckets? How do I create places to make those meaningful connections? I think every child thrives with quality time, but those quality moments could be two minutes or, you know, five minutes of your presence and focused attention can go a long way to filling up their emotional bank account. Love that. Love that. So, so great. Let's talk about the next section, which

Building Anchor Points and Flexibility

28:47

is building in anchor points into our days and our rhythm. So, so this isn't an episode about building the perfect system and the 15-minute increments into your days. Uh, this isn't that episode. This is about getting anchor points throughout your days or your weeks or even a month in order to find a place that you can return to when you're needing some guidance. We're we're not pro-no plan. We're also, this this isn't the episode on structuring it so regimentedly that you don't have room for any flexibility. Uh I have to have flexibility. I can't do it any other way. And so one of the things that we've discovered is take those answers from that last section and your questions. Now let's use it to build out. One of the things I've done with my kids over the last few years is we do like a little summer bucket list or a summer bingo card of what are the things that I would love to do. And I get each kid to do their own. And you'd be amazed at the end of the summer how many of those we've actually had a chance to check off because often the things that the kids want aren't the most expensive, aren't the most outrageous. They are often meaningful, like a certain movie night. One summer my boys and I went through all the Marvel movies in in chronological order. And it was so fun because that's what they were at an age where they loved Marvel and they loved Avengers. It might be one night a week or a couple nights a week. It depended on how our schedule worked. And we made our way through all of them. And it was so fun. That didn't cost us more than the cost of the movie rental, but it was meaningful and I'll always remember it. So what would you add to that too, Des? I'm thinking slightly different, but there are also frameworks of I have a rule that you can't ask me for to invite friends over when I'm working. Friends can't come over and swim until after I'm out of work so that I can keep my eyes on you. So I have certain like anchor points like that just feel like non-negotiables. That way the kids know that eliminates a lot of asking me questions that they don't really need to ask me. I'm like, oh yeah, you can have a friend over after four. Mm-hmm. And you kind of set the expectations clearly at the beginning of the summer. Here are some guidelines that we're gonna operate with in. Yeah. I have kids that, you know, play musical instruments. So I'm like, okay, we can't play, we can't jam out until after mom's done with work. Honestly, those are conversations that I have that are pillars or anchor points for the summer dynamic that feels clear to them. We have family dinner once a week. And so we'll talk about what would be fun to do for family dinner. Do we want to barbecue? Do we want to roast marshmallows? Do get them involved so that they sort of own that family dinner too and could be a part of creating the things that we're doing. Is it a game night? What's the fun things that we wanna do? So it's definitely something that that we use as an anchor point. I love the family dinners too. I try to do one night a week. And I intentionally cook a meal that I know everybody loves. Yes. It's definitely one of those nights where I'm I put a little extra effort into it. Maybe I cook a dessert or I do something maybe a little over the top to compare to what it would maybe not quite as simple. It's a little bit more involved. When my kids love the food that I'm making, it's a different experience. You know, some meals two of my three children will love and one kid will be like, I don't like this one. But I'm like, you know, that's just part of being a part of a family. You don't always get your way. And I try on those intentional family dinner nights to just go, okay, I'm gonna cook the family favorites. Everybody's gonna love it, especially the older ones. I like, you know, now that they can go out and stuff like that, I it incentivizes them a little bit more, like, oh, I'll be home for that. I'm I'm at my girlfriend's house, but I'm definitely gonna be home because you're making that tonight. You know, those are boys, I can tell. Those are boys. Exactly. The the way to their heart through their stomach. I love sons, they're the best. That's so classic. Yeah. But I I I love that. And I love that you highlighted the boundaries, setting clear boundaries and clear expectations from the beginning of the summer, outlining, okay, uh, this is when we're gonna be traveling, or maybe one kid's away at camp. This is the week when they're away here. I have a calendar that actually you can create columns for each family member. And so I'm gonna put that up in a central place where everybody can see, okay, so-and-so's away this week, or this is what's happening at a glance. Yeah. And that's just something on a very administrative practical level. Saves lots of questions and it eliminates friction.

Preparing for Sibling Dynamics and Conflict

33:09

Yeah. The big kids start to drive the little kids around. And so it's helpful just to be like, okay, this is this is where you're helping me. This is where I'm helping her, him, you know, taking around. So I love that. Just really practical support. It's important to highlight here, too, that in this preparation, the best laid plans, the conversations with your family, we need to also prepare for reality. When my kids are in each other's space 24-7 over the summer, there's inevitably sometimes a bit more sibling conflict. Sometimes there's some meltdowns here and there. No way. I know. So who would have thought? I know. Who would have thought when children spend lots of time together that there might be the occasional tiff or the occasional thing? And and something that I found helps me, being realistic about that is helps eliminate the frustration that I would feel if I was in the fantasy world thinking, oh, that's never gonna happen. And I've also tried, especially when my kids were little, I would give them separate room time every day. Like everybody gets an hour or two hours. You can go in your room, here's a book to read, here's some activities to do. We all know that everybody benefits in our family if we have a little bit of alone time and time to recharge. That was just something that often worked really well for us. Yeah. Oh God, so so relate to that. I would say that I chat with the kiddo that doesn't work because most of my kids work during the summer, but the one who doesn't like it feels very lonely. It's very different schedules and we're talking work dynamics, we're talking through all these l other logistical things, and she's not able to drive yet, and she's still asking for rides. So I just sort of prepare both myself and the kiddo for it's okay to be bored. It is kind of hard. What are the things that you need right now? And how can you be empowered to meet some of those needs? So good. Yeah, I'm not trying to rush to stop her from feeling bored or lonely. I'm acknowledging that makes sense. And what are the things that you need? So I normalize those experiences for both my kids and for myself. Yeah. I think it helps if you normalize it for them, then they're not freaking out, like, oh, I'm bored. I need uh an iPad to play on, or I need something to stimulate me. It's like actually, this is okay. I find that my youngest as well works really well when she knows what to expect. It's just really, really good for her. My oldest, for instance, is quite self-motivated and has always been able to put his own time structures in place. He hasn't needed a lot of guidance. My daughter, on the other hand, she really thrives when she knows exactly what's coming next. She's a rule follower by nature. And so when I help

Normalizing Feelings and Overstimulation

35:51

set some boundaries and guidelines in place, I mean, she that's when she's happy. And I think that's you managing and being real realistic about expectations, is even stepping back and recognizing, okay, what are your what do your children need and how do we get to support them while also normalizing that, hey, there's common human feelings and it's normal to feel them. Absolutely. Okay, last

Releasing Control and Expectations

36:16

major point we want to talk about is what are the things that we are releasing this summer? What are we gonna let go of? Maybe there's been significant transitions, maybe we have kids moving out. There could be things we've recognized about the way we've done it in the past that we want to shift and we want to let go of. Another way of to think about it could be um, what am I going to say no to this summer? What pressures and expectations of myself and others do I want to release? What would it look like to parent from peace and presence as opposed to frantic and chaotic? How could that how could it look different? Yeah. I would say that one of the things that um I think I'm letting go of is that I need to constantly create this magical, meaningful summer and just accepting that a summer will always be mixed. Like a summer will be a mixture of really sweet moments and boring moments and great connection vacations and all these things. I might be in one of those moments, but they're they're allowed to exist and happen and to be a culmination of those types of things, a real mixture of things. So yeah, I I love that you said that. I I've I'm letting go of some of those high-stakes feelings of I need to make this the most magical summer ever, especially because my oldest is at the age where this might be his last summer at home. It's like, okay, how can I hold the tension of this is true and it is important to me, and it is not all on my shoulders, and I will show up better as a mother if I am taking care of some of those who do I want to be this summer and what does it look like for me to thrive and showing up more present with them. I've learned that that makes more of an impact often on my children than some fun fancy trip. Because I I I've had summer vacations before. I can think of one year in particular where it was so hard because everybody was so out of sorts. Yes. And we've had other vacations that were they were magical. They were like, oh my goodness, so fun, so fun. Everybody had such a great time. And then we've had times that were mixed. Some people loved it and other people didn't love it. And I'm just gonna say this travel can be very dysregulating. I didn't realize that at times. I didn't realize how dysregulating it could be for me to be out of my normal routine. I was dysregulated, I was out of sorts, but I just didn't recognize it because I was so focused on like, oh, this is the great trip we've all been looking forward to. It needs to be the best thing ever. And recognizing that that the actual act of being out of routine or in a different time zone or traveling or flying or driving for long periods of time in the car, all those things which happen a lot in summer months. Yes. It that it deserves its own shout out. Like this could be fun and it could be wildly dysregulating to your nervous system at the same time. Mixture. Mix bag mixture. It's a big mixture. I've had to let go of some of the oh, I need to do a big trip every summer in order to make the family memory and go. My my boys,

Permission to Embrace the Mixture of Summer Moments

39:27

especially, are at an age where they just don't care about that quite as much. They care about other things. I care about travel because I love adventure, but my kids don't necessarily even have the same value for travel that I do. And how do we then create a summer that makes it beautiful for everybody's needs and not even just mine? Yeah. Oh, that's a good question. That's super good. I would want to gift every heart that's listening, mother, father, even if you're not a parent, when you think about the summer. I just want to give your system permission to be really self-aware and to really notice where you're actually at and what you might actually need. And simple living is deep and soulful and purposeful and great and impactful. And if it wasn't about hitting certain goals of the summer or in life, and it was just about connection, how might you show up if you didn't feel like you were failing all the time? Or if you didn't feel the pressure to perform for your kids in a certain way or perform for a certain standard that honestly, I I I highly doubt our kids even have the same standards as us. They're like, where'd you get that? But yeah, I would I would really want the listener to have that. Anything you would add? A lot of what you said, and also looking for moments to find beauty and to be grateful for the right now life that is in front of me.

Moving Forward with Presence and Gratitude

41:05

Yes. I try not to be a person who lives with regret. I also can think of summers where I was driven by trying to reach the unrealistic metrics and standards of success that I'd set for myself. And there were times that I would just be so burnt out after trying to do all these unrealistic things that it would come time for the kids to go back to school and I'd just be like, oh, thank God. Like, oh my goodness. Like that took it out of me. And and true, it it there was a level of energy that I was expending that was exhausting. And I also wasn't very present always in those moments. Over the last few summers, oh my goodness, I've loved my summers with my kids so much. And I think part of the reason I've loved them is because I I let go of the high stakes. I took the pressure off. And and this summer I'm moving into the summer, even going, how do I embrace and find thankfulness for the moments, the little moments that I'm in? How do I connect to the person in front of me right here, right now, in all their humanness and imperfection and all my own humanness and how do I learn to draw beauty from this present moment? I find the more I'm able to do that, the more at peace I am, and the more at peace I am with other people as well. It's so beautiful. Yeah. Summers can be so beautiful. That's what like I feel a lot of hope of it can be great. It can be really more than we imagined, because it's going to be a mixture of things. So And just know that this summer can be a redemption. If

Resetting and Embracing Summer

42:48

other summers haven't been great or they've been painful, just know that this summer can be a fresh slate and a new start. Yeah. One of the things I'm telling myself is I can s reset as many times as I need to. Twice a month. I'm like, let's do a little reset. How are these questions going? Where am I at? Absolutely. Absolutely. You could reset with me as many times as you need. All right, friends. Thanks for being with us. It was good to be together. Yeah. We'll see you next week.